I am very sure that at some point in their lives someone someplace at sometime was so frightened of doing something that they avoided doing it altogether. I once knew a woman who never went to the dentist because she was petrified of the chair! I also know that Doll would sooner punch a clown’s wig right off rather than go into a clown themed anything.
My fear is revealing my body. I don’t mind low cut shirts but showing off anything from there down has always been a problem for me…and I live in Florida! No shorts, short dresses, and definitely not swimwear. My fear is judgement. I am most certainly not a size 3 but a nice size 6. Nature graced me with hips and genetics gave me an hourglass figure (my older sister is a +size and she has a wonderful hourglass!).
What could be wrong? Allow me to tell you a short story. When I was four years old I was hit by a car. I skidded 30 feet on asphalt, grating the skin off half my body. Thankfully this isn’t as wretched as it sounds. Since I was young and doctors are amazing, my skin grew back within a few weeks. However, I have had medical problems since then because that was not the only injury I suffered..but that’s another story.
The main point of this story is I have scars, very thin skin, and deep scar tissue in my legs and back. I even have a small patch of skin on my left shoulder that is blanched and never tans. You can only really see a lot of this is you stare (which people do) and it’s drained my confidence, especially now that I’m getting older.
This is where my fear of judgement comes from. There is no fixing the scars or skin so I just cover them up. Every once in a while I’ll get brave enough to wear shorts (mainly because it can get pretty damn hot in Florida) but I mainly stick to jeans.
2015 will be a different year! A couple of nights ago I played with my lighting and camera adjustments and decided to take some body shots. I was very uncomfortable at first but soon my neurosis wore off slightly and I was able to get through it. I decided on the dark contrast because I might have dredged up the courage to do the shoot but I wasn’t ready for full color body shots yet.
So these photos were taken with a 90 degree light softened by a white sheet. A black sheet served as my background. My DX9V camera was set to Manual with ISO 100, f/8 and shutter speed of 1/3rd and 1/6th seconds respectively. I wore no makeup and did nothing to my hair as I was not trying to show my facial features.
Since I am so very shy about showing my body off, these pictures area a huge step of courage for me that I can’t even really put it in words. This is such a huge deal for me I hope you all get inspired to do something terrifying too. It can really take off a huge burden! Though they all look remarkably the same, each one was hard for me to get through so I value all of them.